THE LOVE THAT I'VE LOST
Monday, 9 July 2018 @ 10:31


Disclaimer: This will be a very emotional and sad post but the most important for me. So if you feel like you dont have time for my sad vibes, just skip reading this post kay?

When I first bought my current phone using my first wage from working at 7E, this is the first picture I took using my phone. Clearly my dad wasnt ready when I snapped this but this picture means so much to me.


This man right here is my father. Will forever be my father. I'll carry his name until my last breathe. I could never write Nurul Huda without Abdul Hamid at the end of it. It hurts me so much to be writing this post but I want to. I want the first thing that I share with all of you is about how much I love this man and how sorry I am and how I cry myself to sleep everynight, thinking of him.

TBH, I had a very rough relationship with my father. It took me 17 years to realize how much he loves me, but in his own way. People always ask me, why is it so hard for me to admit whatever feeling I have inside me? Dont get me wrong, I am outspoken and brutal but I rarely share my sadness, problem or fear with anyone. Yes I do sometimes wrote a tiny bit of confession on my socmed but whenever any of my friend or fam tried to talk to me about it, I will pretend like Im okay. That everything is under control (Call me attention seeker if you want, I dont care. Cant even remember the last time I care about what you haters and fake people wanna say about me). I inherit my 'self defense' from my dad actually. Believe it or not, until the day my father took his last breath, throughout my 22 years of living, never even once my father told me that he loves me. Now you see where I got my ego from?

Reason why I love outdoor activities? Bcs my father loves it so much. Dua-tiga bulan sekali mesti dia sibuk dah ajak camping tepi laut, BBQ apa semua. Dia suka camping, tak suka tidur chalet. He likes being close to nature.

I am clearly not a good daughter. Nuh-uh. I have 3 police cases under me (bullying, run away from home and stealing; the last one is NOT my doing. I swear to God, I was framed). Fought with my father countless of times. Zaman sekolah dulu kalau gaduh dengan ayah, I wont eat. AT ALL. Bukan ayah tak bagi makan k, I yg konon nak rebel. Kalau 3 bulan gaduh, 3 bulan lah I takkan sentuh makanan kat rumah. Duit belanja sekolah pun I takkan amik. Pergi sekolah nanti makan bekal yg my friend bawakkan. Sebab dorg tahu and masak sgt dah lah dengan perangai I. But Alhamdulillah thanks to my stubbornness, I grew up to be a very independent and tough woman.

Im not from a rich family. Whatever I want, I worked my ass off for it. I belajar hidup bersederhana and redha dengan ketentuan tuhan. Im not the kind of girl who loves buying branded clothes, shoes or bags. No. I dont even like buying clothes for myself. My wardrobe consists of baju arwah mama I yg I customize, baju makcik and cousin yg dorg dah tak muat or dah taknak pakai, baju hadiah dari member-member I, baju adik I yg I 'pinjam' senyap-senyap and some even baju my dad. Tak, I tak malu nak mengaku semua ni kat sini. Yes I do buy my own clothes sometimes but rarely lah.When I have money, 75% of it will be spend on food. The rest will either be spend on books or makeup products. Takpelah kalau nak cakap sis miskin tak mampu beli baju sendiri ke apa, yg penting I still look presentable and idk, im pretty sure I still look better than  most of you bitches. Thats why I tergelak bila I was nominated for the fashionista award the other day ðŸ¤£

But sumpahlah cakap, Im glad my father chose to raise me this way. My dad sendiri cakap "campaklah Huda tu kat mana pun, dia boleh hidup". Phone, laptop, pakaian, duit belanja, semua sis usahakan sendiri. Dah terdesak sangat-sangat baru mintak duit kat ayah. And I think secretly my dad risau sgt kat I. Yelah, anak perempuan kan. Dia selalu tanya I, "duit ada tak kak? Kalau takde cakaplah. Ayah taknak kau berlapar". Entahlah maybe korang rasa "ayah semua org mcm tu jugak. bukan ayah kau sorg je". Okay baguslah mcm tu. At least takdelah kes korang kurang kasih sayang ke apa.

Raya 2016. Badan gemuk macam tong.

One thing lah, that I am sorry the most about is, all the thing I never said to him. All the things I couldnt tell him, I couldnt share with him. Dear father, please understand, even tho I never told you I love you, I have always love you. Will always love you. I just couldnt bring myself to admit it out loud. Tak pernah peluk ayah, raya takde sesi bermaafan. Im sorry that Ive made it this way. Im truly sorry. And another thing, you always noticed whenever Im stressed or having problem. But you understand that I dont want to talk about it. You never asked about it, you never forced me to do anything. Im sorry father. Its not that I dont want to, i just cant. I just dont want you to be worried of me, I dont want you to see my weak side. Its lonely to continue living this way, pretending to be strong and tough, but its who I am now. Im sorry father, I just cant bear to watch you crying because of me. We both know how soft-hearted you are when it comes to your children. Memanglah ayah takkan tunjuk depan kitorg, but mom always told us how you will cry yourself to sleep bila kenangkan pasal anak-anak. Mom told us how you will wake up EVERY SINGLE NIGHT to perform Solat Tahajjud. How you will cry your eyes out masa you doakan for anak-anak you, both of your wives, for your parents and for everyone you care about. Very selfless. Maybe ayah dah amik all the selflessness that runs in our family, sebab tu all thats left for me is being selfish (Haha gurau k father).

Dear father, losing you is the most painful thing that I've ever experienced in my whole life. I dont know how long it will take for me to become normal again. I dont care. Dear father, lets meet again in the afterlife. I just hope that I wont be a daughter who will be a burden for you in the akhirat later. Let me be an asset for you to be granted the highest level of Jannah. In sha Allah. Dear father, I love you. From the deepest of my heart. I miss you so much father. Al-fatihah to Almarhum Abdul Hamid bin Nasir.